Reproaches and scolding, day yes day too. At all hours and for everything. Do you recognize yourself Are you all day angry or angry with your children? Does everything you do or stop doing bother you? Do you think that this way you have better control over your behavior? Well, if so, I will tell you that this way of educating is not the most recommended since it takes you away from them affectively.
Before continuing to read, I want to explain that far from seeking to make you feel guilty, if this is the way you currently have to educate, this post wants to help you reflect on the importance of trying not to confuse the authority with the authoritarianism. Something that sometimes happens to many parents, especially when we are under stressful situations and we want our children to do things quickly and learn to do well as soon as possible.
Believe me when I tell you that I have also experienced this sensation and I know, because we have lived through it, how negative is for us all an education dominated by negative emotions, in which anger, anxiety and fear take hold of us.
When I started writing this post, I had several ideas in mind, some of them I have discarded because I was not entirely clear where I wanted to develop them, others because I realized that perhaps I was being unfair since I did not take into account the multitude of family situations that we can find. The truth is that at the beginning I wanted to talk to you about how we lose our children, if we lose them. But this is one of the ideas that I need to mature more because I fear that it is a much more complex subject than I initially believed.
In the end, after much thought about the approach, I stayed with this idea
- Being angry all day is not educational. Reprimands and scolding are not educational and are two ingredients that feed the bad relationship between parents and children.
Being angry all day is not effective or educational.
Children do not need to be scolded every day and every hour to learn. What they need is an affectionate father or mother to motivate, praise, encourage and make them feel good, unique and special but without endorsing them.
If something is clear to me, it is that constant anger is not educational at all. Reproaches and scolding, like punishments, do not educate or teach. Although this does not mean that we should not set limits and norms for our children and be clear about the consequences of breaking them, but constant anger is not beneficial for anyone.
Being permanently angry and giving orders, always emphasizing everything that is wrong instead of seeing strengths, potential, progress, improvement, … is one of the worst things we can do parents and, of course, deteriorates greatly The relationship with our children.
But there are those who adopt this role for different reasons, one of them because they do not know another or because simply this is their role in life, to send and order. Something that I sincerely recommend that you leave now if you want to keep your children by your side. Because this educational style, which we call authoritarian, is one of the main causes of estrangement between parents and children. The one that causes lack of communication and rejection.
The price of educating at the cost of reproaches and scolding
The price of educating at the cost of reproaches and scolding is a progressive emotional withdrawal from our children.
Little by little, very slowly and almost without you noticing, they will stop explaining significant things to them.
They will be afraid of you. They will lie to you. They will tell you what you want to hear, but perhaps not the whole truth.
Because they will be afraid of the consequences, of your anger, in your criticisms of your criticism, of your "I had already told you,"
To educate is not to control our children all the time and at all costs. Educating is more than sending. Educating is difficult, yes. No one said it was simple or easy or that we would know how to do it at all times.
There are no magic wands to educate, nor secret potions. Because each family is unique. Every different child. Every vital moment requires some strategies that work for some children while others do not. What is certain is that neither the punishments or the constant reproaches and scolding will improve the behavior of your children.
Because the brain learns better in situations where it does not perceive stress. When we shout, scold and reproach, we are activating a hormone called cortisol that makes learning difficult. But I better explain this in more detail in another post dedicated to the effect of emotions on our learning.
Also because our children learn more by imitating us than by listening to us. Yes.
So what can we do?
If we want our children to be educated and disrespectful, perhaps we should start with ourselves and review the way we treat them.
What I propose is not going to be the magic solution to all problems but it can be a start.
If we want more affectionate, affectionate and grateful children we may look in the mirror and check how affectionate, affectionate and grateful I am with them.
And so with all those behaviors and values we want to convey.
Because at some point you have asked yourself what are you teaching your children with your constant reproaches and scolding? I will talk about it below.
What we teach with reproaches and scolding
Screaming, scolding and reproaching we teach our children to be precisely grumpy, nasty, spiteful, liars, cold, answers, and a long list of adjectives with which we could continue.
Do you want different results? Well, don't keep doing the usual. Seek to praise more, highlight qualities, thank the effort, value any small progress, …
We all do things wrong and I am convinced that you would not like to be reminded every day. I don't like it at all.
That is why I invite you to reflect on how much you have read so far and to put into practice this famous phrase by Albert Einstein.
If you want different results, do not do the same.
(c) Can Stock Photo / saiyoodsrikamon
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